You think you're having a bad week?

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You think you're having a bad week?

Postby JayPhat » May 3rd, 2005 at 8:46 pm

I have been sifting through old logs to find this. For those of you who may or may not know, I am a former RTCW player on a regular team(My old SSI tags I wore here). Anywho, I used to play at a regular server every night. This all happened to one of their players. Nice guy, had lots of problems though. Just makes you think: How bad IS YOUR week?

"I am sorry that I have been in a foul mood lately. I have an exwife that gives me headaches, kids that give me grey hair, and a lack of employment that...well, that one makes me smile. Added to this though, (as if this wasnt enough), I am just finishing some serious legal matters.

I was walking around my neighborhood ( like scary old people do) last Tuesday (why are Tuesdays bad for me?) at about 6pm. There was a house for sale on the next street over. Instead of selling it, the guy had decided to rent it. I saw the moving van in the driveway and decided to give the new people a big "Howdy Neighbor." I walked up to the porch to be greeted by a very angry monkey.

When I say "monkey," I don't mean some cute name for a small child. I mean a primate. Not one of those small monkeys like in Outbreak, either. I mean a big chimp-size monkey. And he was pissed.

How do I know he was pissed? He hissed at me and bared his nasty little a$-eating teeth at me. I was undaunted but did stop in my tracks. At this point I could not remember if it was the T-Rex or the Hissing Monkey that could only see you by your movement. Better not to chance it. It was then that I made my mistake. I shouted out to the house, "Hello?!!?"

The monkey was on me in an instant. Now, I do not know who taught this fucker how to fight, but it was dirty. Pulling hair and poking eyes is normally reserved for chicks and really smelly guys at bars. However, monkey knew all the tricks.

So here I am. Getting my a$ kicked in this total strangers front yard at dusk. By a monkey. Now, I grew up in a bad part of town, so jailhouse rules are nothing new to me. The only law on the street (and in the jungle) is, don't lose. So I take it to X-treme mode. I am really going to work on this fucker. Jabs, hooks, hammerfist, you name it, I'm landing it. I turn the tide of battle and start to think that I will emerge victorious.

Now this whole time, I'm screaming bloody fooking murder. And the monkey, my god. From now on, when I call someone a chittering a$-goblin, I will understand a little better. This monkey was chittering like a fiend. Webster's Dictionary defines chittering as "to utter rapid short sounds suggestive of language but inarticulate and indistinct." This does not do the actual chitter justice. And I swear to you, as God is my witness, that he actually called me a bitch.

So I'm screaming, and the monkey is chittering and we are rolling around on this guys lawn fighting. Just then, the owner/new renter comes out of the house. I can only imagine what the sight looked like. His beautiful pet monkey and some complete fooking madman throwing down in his yard. He yelled "George!" Since that is not my name, I did not look. The monkey, however, obviously named George, made the fatal mistake of looking at his master. Seeing an opening, I seized it.

I kicked that monkey so hard in the nuts that he actually wheezed. More of a huge intake of breath with short rapid bursts of exhalation. And he collapsed. I won. Having proved once again that Man is the Lord of all the beasts, I raised my arms high in victory.

The owner was not as impressed with this victory for our species. He runs to me and starts yelling incoherently. Still in a battlerage, I begin to hear the monkey's chittering coming thru in his tone. I casually look at him and tell him, " I kicked your monkey's a$ and I will most certainly kick yours, now back up off me." Looking in my eyes and seeing the look of a winner (or the gleam of utter lunacy), he picks up his monkey and goes inside. Having forfeited the field, I win again.

So the next day, I get a phone call. It is from an attourney (not George's). I will call the attourney Dickhead for the sake of expedience. George's owner, hereafter referred to as Asscrack, has decided that I trespassed and provoked his monkey to uncharacteristic violence. I call bullshit and proceed to tell my side of the story. Dickhead, seeing only a large retainer, does not believe me. I am told that Asscrack is filing a civil suit and will be taking me to the cleaners. I am offered the opportunity to settle this outside of the legal system and am given an amout that will make the monkey's nuts stop hurting and my nuts to start.

I tell Dickhead that I will settle for $1 million dollars. Astonished, he is speechless. I tell Dickhead I can pay him in a lump sum if he will take a personal check. Vaccilating on the issue of dusbursement of funds, I take the time to explain to him that the check for $1 million dollars is as good as a check from my account for $100. Both will bouce sky-high.

I then further explain to Dickhead that I am renting the house I live in. I do not own a car. I have no stocks or bonds. No money in my savings account. No life insurance policy to cash out. I have 3 kids that I have all the time and still manage to pay child support to to an exwife that makes the monkey look like a ballet dancer in the ring. I borrow a lawnmower from my step-dad next door because I cannot afford one myself. I am unemployed and, in short, my personal assets net worth won't cover the price of his phone call.

There is a long pause on the other end of the phone. Dickhead says, "that makes me sad." I inform him that his utterance makes me happy. Prior to hanging up, I ask Dickhead to say hello to George and Asscrack for me.

Not to be outdone by a dickhead, an asscrack, and a monkey, I drive by his house and copy down the number on the "For Rent" sign still in the front yard. When I get home, I call the owner. Nice Guy. I explain the altercation in short and ask him if he knew that Asscrack was bringing George to his nice house. The reply is in the negative. I then proceed to pontificate on the declining housing market in areas where wild animals are free to roam the streets. Take Kenya for example. Houses are dirt cheap there. I retire from the converastion with a solemn wish that Nice Guy does the right thing for himself and for his neighbors.

The next day, as I drive by Nice Guy's house, I see Asscrack in the front yard. He is moving still, but in reverse. Meaning he is loading and not unloading the truck. Being a good neighbor, I stop and (making sure George isnt around) shout to Asscrack. "Leaving so soon?", I say. "You just moved in." The only response I get is some sort of mumbling about owner not wating pets in the house. Satisfied, I drive away.

Dickhead called me yesterday. Seems that there will be no civil suit. Asscrack has decided that he lacks the proper permits for a residential monkey. His money is better spent on finding a new place to live instead of lawsuits that can only be termed "frivilous." Wanting to stay in my good graces, Dickhead informs me that he believed me all along. If I want to file a suit against Asscrack, I have grounds and Dickhead would be more than happy to represent me. All I hear is chittering."

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Postby rekloose-[PUPPY] » May 3rd, 2005 at 8:58 pm

uhm, yeah, i call bullshit on that story. whatever, you think he had a crappy week?

A good surfing budy of mine lost 8-fingers yesterday in a 10-ton steel press (he's a metal worker) when a new guy tripped and accidentally started the machine. He was in a 12 hour surgery trying to reconnect his fingers. It'll take a week for the docs to know if he'll ever be able to use the reattched.

You people know I can be an asshole, but this guy is, by far, the funnest guy to hang around. He's ALWAYS smiling and always laughing. This could not have happened to a nicer guy.

So yeah, getting your ass-kicked by a monkey doesn't sound so bad compared to losing 8 of your fingers ...


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Postby ratlin » May 3rd, 2005 at 10:41 pm

im pretty sure its fake. but it was funny as hell.

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Postby b0ba » May 3rd, 2005 at 11:01 pm

that sucks puppy...i am sorry to hear that

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Postby DoCFuRy[12PC] » May 3rd, 2005 at 11:19 pm

ALL i can say is I scrolled to see how long it was and didnt read it, but what puppy said. If he actually took the time to read it, and he says its fake then by god it must be fake.

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Postby Burzum » May 4th, 2005 at 8:26 am

I wasn't gonna read your post until skimming it I came upon: "So here I am. Getting my a$ kicked in this total strangers front yard at dusk. By a monkey." I think I'll read the rest of the post now...
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

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